We are THAT family

You hear about horror stories in the news of families who have lost loved ones in some horrible ways, whether that be through illness, an accident, murder, an overdose or suicide.  I've prayed for so many families effected by these situations but never in my life did I think that I would be part of THAT family.  That it would be my family that people were talking about on the news and that churches would be praying for.  It's not easy to write this and not be overcome by emotion.  The tears are filling my eyes and trickling down my cheek as I begin to remember the events of that Wednesday morning.  November 8th 2017, our family life changed completely and will forever be missing that small man with the huge heart.

It was a normal morning, I got the train to work and I can remember there being a beautiful Springer Spaniel sat there with her owner and of course I took a snap and sent it to Matthew.  I work in a school and went about my normal business, doing one-to-one, filing sheets away, listening to reading groups etc and come lunch time I supervise a P7 class.  It was 12:55, five minutes before my class were due to go outside and the phone rang, it was the receptionist to say that my dad was on the phone.  At that my heart fell and I knew something was wrong.  I could tell that he didn't really know what to say, but the last thing I thought his words would be were, "Your Uncle Wayne has been killed in a car crash."  What do you say to that?  It's the most surreal thing.  It was as if time was standing still.  My class slowly becoming silent as they realised that something was wrong.  Standing there unable to fight back tears in front of the class, unsure what to do.  God blessed me as the bell went and I was able to send the class outside where there were plenty of other members of staff to look after them.  
Walking into my Aunt's house knowing that most of my family were already there was one of the most terrifying things.  That's when I would be faced with reality, that this is really happening to us.  

When someone dies in a car accident, you don't realise the extra bits that come along with it.  From deciding whether or not to release the name, picking a photo for the media, the endless forms and formalities and for me the hardest of all was receiving the personal belongings and having to clean his lunch out of his bag, something that will never leave me.  So many things that you don't think of, but yet, there you are swamped with grief and all these decisions to make and things to arrange.  I've found myself to be very good in the kitchen in times such as this.  Away from the forefront, you'll find me boiling the kettle, filling the sandwich tray and doing the dishes.  I can pack my emotions into a box and get on with doing everything else that others aren't fit to do.

I've noticed how much of a funny thing grief is.  I've never truly experienced it until now.  I've had great-grandparents pass during my lifetime, but I was still at school and it didn't really seem to hit me.  I've gone 23 years avoiding attending wakes or seeing a corps.  23 years and the only form of grief I have experienced was our family dog.  Grief effects people in so many different ways and I think that's why it's so hard to deal with, so hard to know what to say to people or if you should say anything at all.  I often wonder, if I am doing it right. Is it wrong that I don't cry every single time I think about him?  Is it wrong that when people ask me about it I seem fine?  Is it wrong that I wait until I'm alone before I let the floodgates open?  Is it wrong that some days I think about him all of the time and others not so much?  That's the thing about grief, it's multifaceted, the reason I think some find it so hard to cope with.  It would be so much easier if there was a 'right way' to grieve.  Then we'd all understand how to do it.  So what do you do when things are out of your control and life hits you with something you weren't expecting?  As hard as it is, you get on with it, you have no other choice but to face it head on and deal with it.
My Aunt has been more than amazing through this whole process.  She has been strong, but fragile; she has be insecure, but steady; vulnerable, but guarded.  Above all, she has been so full of love.  I've always known that I have an amazing family, but through this I've seen how truly blessed I am.  We come together when times are tough, we help each other through the good times and the bad.  We are absolutely steadfast and there is no other group of people I could rely on more.  

If there's one thing I've learnt, it's that life is far too short.  "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?  Your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, then it's gone." -James 4:14.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring, little did we know that on 8th November we would all be cutting our working day short to rush home to gather as a family, grieving the loss of our loved one.  We will cherish the memories we have with him, and boy do we have some good ones.  Memories that make us laugh, smile and question what on earth was he thinking.  
If I can give you some advice, take the photos, tell the stories, go on adventures, gather as a family often, let them know you love them and appreciate them.  I know you've probably heard it all before, but as a member of THAT family, I am so glad we gather often and make the memories.  We've been able to find so much peace in it. 
Uncle Wayne will never be forgotten.  He played a huge part in our family, literally the life and soul of the party.   Almost three months on and together we are adapting to this new way of life and together we are slowly learning to smile again.

K xx